dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
