we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
