my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
