You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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