tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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