you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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