my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
