just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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