omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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