if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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