She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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