The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
