I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
