I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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