If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
