Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
