how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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