would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
