i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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