I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
