I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
