I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
