the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
