I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize