get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
