Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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