I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
worst night to have a conscience
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
sex in a hospital.. check
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
