I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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