Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
