i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
