The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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