if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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