i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
