I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
