The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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