I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
