I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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