I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
