I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
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I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
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i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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