thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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