I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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