I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
