I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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