I showed him my bush... on skype.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
