I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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