it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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