we have pet lesbian snakes
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My ATM looks so different sober.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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