went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
