I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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