It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
