I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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