I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
