If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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