I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
