I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
what the fuck happened to the tacos
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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