I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
