i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
