Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
