I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
