I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
