Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
