I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
and you fell through a lawn chair
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
