I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
